my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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