Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
