I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize