Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
