Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
