when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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