Acid is not a monday night drug
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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