i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
