What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
