i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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