I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
