Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
