Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
