you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
