she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
