She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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