So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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