But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
