Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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