I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wish my penis had a tongue
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
