So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
