Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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