the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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