I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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