I CAN MOONWALK!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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