I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
BRING THE BAGELS
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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