I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
