his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
