The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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