Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
