I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
