we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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