It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
