Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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