When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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