I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
