lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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