what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Let's get the cat blown out
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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