Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
