so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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