One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
