seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize