Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
