I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
