Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
