So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
