Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
