You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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