I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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