I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
