i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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