I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize