We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sober January is a disaster.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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