I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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