I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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