You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it hurts more in the daytime
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
