It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
