if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize