I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
