Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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