1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
